i am not sure. i read many excerpts on social media; it appears everyone is hyper-aware of narcissism these days. as well they should be. every time i read a description of the narcissist, i secretly wonder, am i one of those?
one is inclined to think that if one questions ones own narcissistic tendencies, you cannot be one. i tend to disagree. a narcissist may indeed question their narcissistic tendencies, only to rationalize their behavior and convince themselves that they are innocent. isn’t that what a true narcissist would do? constantly reassure themselves of innocence?
this is precisely why i am afraid even to pose the question to myself. to examine myself and find myself…innocent…it seems i may only be proving myself to be that which i question.

it is then, i think, only for others to label me or declare me innocent. however, even asking the question of others sheds light on our significant insecurity.

growing up with a narcissist does not help the assessment. one learns behaviors by example, and one unlearns them by experience and experience alone…….

i have had much to unlearn over the years, painfully so. i have much still to unlearn. i have become more aware of these behaviors and have a greater capacity to stop myself. however, sometimes, they get by my conscious filter. the fact that i need to be aware of them concerns me. do others take for granted that their actions are appropriate?

i have a good friend who will no doubt chastise me for these thoughts. “a useless waste of energy”. i have no doubt she is a reasonable and aware person, and her response is entirely appropriate given her life experience.

i cannot hold anyone accountable to my standards but myself. i will continue to try.