August 27th

I arrived at my desk this morning to find this. It is inscribed in Spanish with ‘Soy Sauce’. ‘I am sauce’.

it also contains a series of what appear to be code words that I must decipher.

Well, Sauce…person. I accept your challenge!!! I am by far saucier than you. Now to find this individual

—

i do not dare open the packet. it contains what appears to be a chemical substance. likely a nerve agent. i must proceed with caution. if you dont hear from me…wait longer…

—

 the image appears to be that of a woman (a beautiful woman or a very enticingly posed man. i dont know) and they are holding something to their mouth. likely a weapon of some sort. i am confused by the configuration of what appears to be the hair above their head, and then there is that strange leaf-like thing coming out of the torso of the individual. could this be a genetically modified being, this sauce…person…?

—

by the symbol just below this genetically modified individual is the word ‘pareve’ with a Hebrew symbol above it. so it appears this sauce…person knows i am Jewish. what else might they know? what other secrets have they uncovered? hmmmm…the thick plottens…

—

i am confussled. the apparent company name on the packet is Kari-Out Co. – as in carry out the mission…is this a mission i have been given, or have i encountered evidence of a secret mission – only sauce…person will know.

i continue trying to decipher the code before i am discovered. 

sauciest.

—

now..we begin code word deciphering. i must prepare my mind – OOMMMMMMMMM – 

but first the Mentat Coffee Mantra: 

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

It is by the beans of Java the thoughts acquire speed,

The hands acquire shaking,

The shaking becomes a warning.

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

the first code ING. – an obvious reference to the Spanish word INGENIERO – Engineer. a-ha! this is an engineering exercise!

WATER – a reference to the purity of the ingredients that must be used

SALT – salt? as in the movie about the dormant Russian Spy? what have we uncovered here?

HYDROLYZED – to be broken down

SOY – once more Spanish for ‘I am’!

so far i believe this to be a purely dormant water-based substance broken down into its individual parts!! but for what purpose?

as i wrote this one of my co-workers picked up the packet and nearly opened the packet and placed it over some rice. WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING? i managed to save his life, and likely all our lives by yelling in time before he attempted such a foolish move.

my mind is tired now…i must recharge…

stay focused

sauciest.

—

i am starting to get strange looks from my co-workers. i will have to be more covert about my research, and get some lunch in the process.

in the meantime…DO NOT OPEN ANY PACKETS WITH THE SLEEK LOOKING DUDE ON THE FRONT. it may be the end of us as we know it…

sauciest.

—

i managed to make it back to base. the weather appears to be not on my side. this mission continues to roll through my head.

let us continue the decoding:

& – ampersand. it seems simple but it is traditional code for amping up the previous ingrediments with sand. likely for its silica properties. maybe this is a recipe for a small silica-based transmitter. are they listening? i have increased the music volume. a little Sade will confuse anyone.

—

CORN PROTEIN – this seems odd. where would i extract corn protein? i see no logical use for this, but maybe it is a red herring, a distraction to throw me off the scent.

CARAMEL – there it is, what makes this chemical reaction. Caramel, of course. It is meant to be sweet so as to make it easier to swallow. but, why would i swallow this?

—

 i believe i have made a break thru. it is the numbers at the bottom of the packet – they appear to be a calculation:

10603 .1-888-328-1688 along with the last chemical on the list: SODIUM BENZOATE

this is obviously a complicated formula for a nerve agent. one that may fool its intended victim with its yummy caramel taste.

there is a knock at the door! who could it be? have they found me? has my mission been compromised? how far is it to jump from my balcony? WHERE CAN I HIDE?

wait…its only the Chinese food i ordered…

—

This will be my final report. Chinese food arrived. I was met at my apartment door by a rather sleek looking man wearing a shirt…with a palm tree print. Hmmmmmmm….

I quickly opened the potstickers. Placed them on a plate. Served a glass of water and sprinkled them with…THE SAUCE…I unknowingly used the packet that had been placed upon my desk this morning. 

My suspicions were correct!!! It is a nerve agent and now I struggle to stay awake under its effect. 

If I do no make it the night my friends…remember to stay vigilant, and stay away from the fried potstickers…

I remain the…

Sauciest…

August 30th

the continued saga of ‘SOY SAUCE’

as you remember a couple of days ago i accidentally stumbled upon a nerve agent which accidentally ingested after deciphering its dreadful code.

after what seems like two days i woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of say sauce and potsticker entrails. with a massive headache and unable to focus.

i apparently did not pour the entire packet of nerve agent on my potstickers so i was able to survive its dreadful attack.

but now i have been left a note. one that summons me to sauce headquarters, but it seems to be disguised as the office of a prominent…periodontist? i have heard of torture but this is cruel and unusual. i am to report to a periodontist office at 8am

i have furthermore been left a pill of dubious origin with the instructions to ingest it before bedtime…but i have hardly awoken from my nerve agent-induced near-death experience? now i am to sleep again?

but i must follow orders from this sauce…person if i am to get to the bottom of this…mission…

so, tomorrow, i will visit this…periodontist, if that is what they really are, and i will question them thoroughly.

until then, friends, be vigilant, and stay away from the fried potstickers (whatever they put in those things can apparently survive and ice-age)

until then…i remain the…

sauciest

August 31st

I prepare for my mission. In my bag: hydration, pain killers, a book, and a towel along with several bandanas.

These secret missions can get wet and wild. Always remember to stay hydrated. First, of course, some caffeine will be necessary.

After that, an undescript black car will take me to the…periodontist. Code name for my next contact.

I will update later today. As always, if you don’t hear from me, wait longer…

Sauciest

—

As I wait for my transport vehicle I notice words I had never before seen on the lid of my drink: SOLO

I am on my own in this mission. Or it may mean SOy LOco. Code words likely from my nemesis who is watching my every move.

My transport has arrived.

May the Sauce be with you

—

I was greeted at the door as I left my transport vehicle. A small cheeky person in a doctor uniform and a tall leggy nurse sat me at a comfortable chair.

The explained the importance of me being still as the inserted the microchip into my gums below my tooth implants. It would be, by all accounts, a quick procedure. The only issue? It involves four shots of Novocain.

I took them like a champ as I clutched my towel like a baby.

The room faded and so I realized it was more than Novocain. I was out.

What appears to be a couple of hours later I woke up to a completely empty office. The pictures, the receptionist, the doctor. Everyone was gone.

Next to me a note which read simply. 

Earth. Wind. Fire. Ice.

Next to the note a plate of potstickers and a packet of soy sauce. I ate the potstickers. The soy sauce I put in my pocket.

On the back of the one note it also read: you have the music in you.

So much to decipher. Now to find transport home.

Sauciest

—

i believe i have deciphered the first set of letter in the note i was left this today

Earth. Wind. Fire. Ice – it sounds like a music group, except for the addition of Fire.

the land (earth) of Fire, Ice, and Wind…Iceland…or maybe clues i must gather on the way to my goal.

i dont have all the answers as of yet.

am i going to Iceland for my mission? not that i know of yet.

the other part i still have to make sense of…maybe after i get a good nights rest.

the packet of say sauce from today is still intact. i must keep it safe in case i need to debilitate any double agents along the way.

groggy but well

sauciest

September 1st

I AM (SOY) SAUCE – cont’d

i knew it could not be so easy to decipher my latest mission. Iceland is too easy an answer…but maybe the easy answer is the best.

but ‘The Music is in You’, how does one decipher that? i pondered this all morning. then i though about the song by the New Radicals and the lyrics….

“You’ve got the music in you

Don’t let go

You’ve got the music in you

One dance left

This world is gonna pull through

Don’t give up

You’ve got a reason to live

Can’t forget

We only get what we give”

– we only get what we give….hmmmmm….

Don’t let go…

it all must be related to this mission. After all, the chip has been placed in the skin between my gun and jaw bone. i could not let it go if i tried.

but what have i given this sauce…person with the sleek body and the palm tree growing from their torso?

i was on my bike ride when it happened. as i pedaled harder to get up that hill it started…in my head…the music. the song was now in my head and playing, suddenly it would switch to national public radio, static, and then again to another song…it appears…the chip had turned my head into a radio receiver!

now if i can find a way to tune into what i wanted to hear. i tried wiggling my ears, repositioning my teeth, that seemed to work slightly.

crossing my eyes got me nowhere, crossing my legs, however, made the signal disappear!

so continued my bike ride with my jaw sideways towards the sun. that seemed to keep i tuned to jazz, which was good for the ride home.

at least tonight, if i manage to get the right station, i may sleep to the sounds of Mozart.

but first…you know what i need…

until then…

Sauciest

September 2nd

this will be my only report for today.

i have managed to find the perfect jaw position in order to tune in directly to national public radio on command. the problem, it is causing some serious neck ache, and static interferes anytime i lose the position.

what is the position you ask?

it involves jutting out my lower jaw so that it appears i have a serious underbite, but i must twist my lower jaw to the left, and at the same time hold my tongue out the right side of my mouth. try it? its not as easy as it sounds.

so i have resorted to cold and hot packs in order to listen to my favorite NPR shows. i can also lower or increase th4e volume by how much i stick out my tongue.

how do i turn it off? i place my night guard on and it all appears to disappear, except for the random rap music that turns up now and then. fortunately, i am a Beasty Boys fan, and Brass Monkey appears to be rap song of choice.

EARTH, WIND, FIRE, and ICE…the meaning still eludes me. maybe more potstickers will help.

stay vigilant my friends.

Sauciest

September 4th

Another packet of nerve agent on my desk. The only sign since my meeting with the ‘periodontist’ as he called himself.

I call this the mission doldrums. There has been no communication from HQ. no notes left at my door. Not even silent phone calls for a couple of days.

It can only mean one thing. It was a holiday!

The packet this morning was to warn me that the holiday is over and there is still deciphering that needs to be done in order to find this sauce…person, if they even exist.

I scoured my desk for more clues. Surely if this sauce…person was near my desk something else would have been disturbed. I found one thing. The mustache on my Boba Fet figure had been turned askew. This can only mean that they know I have started to grow a beard. My cover is blown.

Still no word from HQ. I must trust no one. Tell no one.

Until then I remain…

Sauciest.