that is why my parents abandoned me in mexico that summer in my grandmother’s house. that summer when the return to my normal routine, albeit lonely, never arrived and i was suddenly thrust into another world that never quite accepted me.

i was after all unable to work, unable to bring in any money, i was just a drain on resources. instead of taking care of me they could be working more hours, saving more money. i was well on my way to doing everything myself by that age, six. i could get myself ready for school and walk there by myself. i had a key to the house in my bag so i could get back in and lock the door. i even knew how to cook eggs, tho not well, but i could feed myself if needed, or heat something up, or just have some cereal. it wasnt enough. i was a drain on time, i was a drain on money, i was useless.

it was easier to send me to mexico where for a fraction of the money they spent on me in Los Angeles, i could go to a private school, be ‘educated correctly’ as my dad would boast and they would have more time, to work.

so i did my best to be the best i could in school, to not be a useless child, to perform in everything everyone wanted me to perform. i tried to be everything everyone wanted of me. All those medals and good grades however, were not enough, and i was never allowed to return.

my father would show my grades and medals to his friends as if he had gained them himself. all i wanted was to come back in exchange for them. i was still useless. it was cheaper for me to continue to accumulate accolades in mexico. i was useless to them in Los Angeles.