if i can sleep tonight i can break the cycle, but so far it has been almost a week with little more than four non-continuous hours of sleep every night. it has been tough and being tired i have found, does not guarantee sleep.

in 22 days i will undergo ketamine infusions while i visit minnesota. i am placing a lot of hope on this treatment, maybe too much. i have little hope otherwise of beating this depression which has only worsened in the last two years. now that i feel even more isolated in california, it is not getting better.

i need to stay, or appear, in control, at least as far as my mother is concerned as she depends on me more than i thought. she depends on me for simple things and not so simple things; from vacuuming to being her ears when responding to doctor’s questions. it can be tiring, but i do it, and do it gladly, that doesnt make it easy.

i wonder what will happen to me when i get older. i have no one to take care of me, and i am afraid i am closer to it than i believe.

what will i do?